August 23, 2016
Remember that Kirstie Alley movie Look Who’s Talking? There’s a scene in that movie where she’s reading a book about
her situation - having a baby - and she comes to the part about Postpartum Depression, how some women get the “blues” after giving birth. With defiance she says, “Well, I’m not gonna.” Skip to the next scene, and she’s crying uncontrollably - a total mess.
Well, that’s me.
Many times I've proclaimed myself a non-cryer. I’m not gonna be like those other women, the ones who cry over Hallmark commercials, and cute baby pictures, and I don’t know, just because. That’s not me! Well, life likes to toy with those that’ll-never-be-me proclamations.
This entire year has proved otherwise.
I seriously didn’t do anything yesterday but cry and make a half-hearted attempt at laundry. Ethan leaving has hit me hard - much harder than I ever thought. Sure, I know - it’s not like that’s the only thing that’s happened to us lately. There are other reasons to be sad. And, without work or friends or obligations to keep me busy, well, the tears flow unhindered.
But, there are joys in the little things.
Ethan texted that his classes were going well, off to a good start.
Abby and I tackled groceries and a walk/run through the neighborhood. We saw three girls around her age riding bikes, a hornet attack a spider, and a not-bad-looking guy take his shirt off as we passed like a scene from a cheesy soap opera. No joke. It was the most hilarious thing I’d seen in a while. I mean, if you’d told me that I’d be a witness to that, I would’ve rolled my eyes and patted you on the head saying, “Yeah right.”
It was an eventful walk! Not only was I amused, I felt better. I’ve come to believe you can pretty much walk off any sour emotion. Anger. Sadness. Boredom. Irritation. Loneliness. Whatever. I got out of bed teary and unmotivated. The last thing I wanted to do was go for a freaking walk, but that’s exactly how I knew I should do it. Afterwards, I felt that I had and that I could accomplish something. Why the change - it's a mystery. I mean, it's just steps. But, maybe it's the mysterious symbolism of those steps - a step forward is, after all, a step forward.
I can’t defy my emotions. I can’t bottle them up or hide them away. I have to accept this season of change, craziness, sadness, and hope.
And when I’m a total mess (which is often), I need to try walking it off.
“And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day”