August 18, 2016
Things We Need and Can’t Find:
Items Damaged in the Move:
My best crockpot (thanks to Joe’s bad packing)
The tall flower vase that Michael gave me years ago
A decorative plaque that my sister gave me
Amazon Fire TV remote (No idea why)
Yeah, you read that right! I’m having a smidgen of a hard time coming to terms with myself. I meet people. They ask what I do, and I can’t answer. Why can't I answer?
I keep thinking I’m a lot of used-to-be’s. I used to be a teacher, once upon a time. I used to be a preschool director. Used to be a member of a church, part of an amazing team of women, close to all my friends and most of my family. I used to bring in a paycheck. Used to be relied on.
It’s a bit of a hit, going from all to nothing.
I’ve felt like this before, when I quit my teaching job to be home with Abby when she was born. Of course staying home with her was a good thing and great for our family, but I remember feeling less-than because I wasn’t out there, earning and doing.
Then, I tried compensating. Prayer. Bible study. Writing. Tons of writing. I wrote and tried to traditionally publish two novels. Both failed. In the meantime, my anxiety problems woke up like a pissed-off Grendel from the depths of my soul. My less-than feelings spawned my crazy; if I was less-than, then how could I do anything? If I couldn’t do anything, then how could I be a good mother, wife, writer, whatever? Panic prevailed, and it took me a long time to get myself under control.
This time, the less-than feeling is worse because I don’t have a cute little baby providing a reason to stay home. Unless you count me - I’m the baby. I’m hardly needed at all, really. And if crazy took over the last time I was at home, then holy moly! Someone get out the straightjacket! I’m freaking out to think what could happen to my psyche.
Broken crockpots and vases, I can handle. But, what other unforeseen damages might the move cause? It's a mystery that I'm not sure I want to uncover.
But, the lost will get found. The broken things will be replaced (or forgotten). And me? I'll get my act together, right? It's just all too new, too jarring. I'll settle back into myself in full, complete measure.
“We have plenty of hard times that come from following the Messiah, but no more so than the good times of his healing comfort—we get a full measure of that, too.”
2 Corinthians 1:5