June 12, 2016
Paired up with the grief over leaving, was another equally difficult G word. Guilt.
I felt guilty. The logical side me of knew I shouldn’t feel this way. We were confident that God wanted us to move, so how could I feel guilty about obeying? I shouldn’t have! But, I did.
Guilty about moving the kids away from their lives.
Guilty about leaving everyone and everything.
Guilty that I’d no longer do all the things I did before.
I had many responsibilities to many people. I felt like I was letting them all down. We were choosing to do this - it wasn’t mandatory. How do you choose to bail on all the ways people are counting on you?
I wouldn’t be there to drive my friend to work, like I’d done for five or so years.
I wouldn’t be there to enjoy lunch and long talks with my BFF.
Wouldn’t be partnering up with Lisa anymore on any of the seemingly endless tasks we’d handled.
Wouldn’t be there to hang out and laugh with Lisa and the Ladies.
Wouldn’t be close to my parents in case they needed me.
Wouldn’t be there to help out at church.
Wouldn’t be available to anyone in the same way.
Hell, I wouldn’t even be bringing in a paycheck anymore!
Guilt. Guilt and more guilt.
The day after I wrote the words...
Why do I feel so guilty?
...in my journal, my father called.
He told me that Joe and I were his biggest Christian heroes in real life. It was our move - how we’d prayed so hard about it and finally decided to do it once we were convinced it was God’s will for us - that led him to this conclusion. He knew that’s the way Joe and I usually went about things, but the move - being the crazy, huge, and scary thing it is - really cemented the distinction. However biased and perhaps misguided my father might be, the phone call was a real boost in spirits. After he made that surprising declaration, I told him how guilty I’d felt. “No, no, no, you shouldn’t feel guilty,” he said. “You’re doing the right thing.” His encouragement halted the guilt cycle.
It’s amazing how hard this has been, but even more amazing is that all along I’ve gotten just what I needed at just the right time. That’s how God works! That’s how my faith grows! That’s how I can put my hope in Him!
“The right word at the right time - Beautiful!”
Proverbs 15:23 MSG